Friends who owe you money - Toxic friendships and how to spot them

So here you are reading this hub and feeling pretty stupid. You've lent a substantial sum to someone you regarded as your best friend and they have disappeared with your hard earned loot. Well let me tell you something - your not stupid. You've just been too nice, too trusting and too naive. If you are reading this out of curiosity, hopefully it will serve you well as a dire warning of Toxic friends who mooch off the vulnerable and the unwary. Out there in the grown up world, there are people who pray on the kindness of others. I am not talking about dodgy salesman, conning little old ladies out of their life savings. This hub concerns something far nastier - your best friend, who has been plotting and scheming their way into your life and into your wallet

Your typical 'user' mate has been insinuating herself into your life for quite sometime, making herself indispensable and elbowing out every other person of significance in your life. (Toxic friends are more likely to be female, their manipulative shenanigans seem to be more easily overlooked than their sleazy male counterparts. It would be far to obvious for her to start tapping you for money early on in the relationship but there are certain character traits that most Toxic friends seem to possess and the following is a guide to their shameless behaviour that is obvious to everyone but you as you fall hook, line and sinker for their latest money spinning wheeze.

Toxic friends don't tend to target self assured people who are comfortable in their own skin. They would be quickly spotted and given the order of the boot. The kind of person they seek out, (like a heat seeking missile on bonfire night,) is someone who really is in need of a good friend. Someone who has big things going on in their life, is distracted by responsibility and is a born giver, in every sense of the world. Victims often have issues concerning their own worth and compensate for this by being over-generous with their time and money, with people who pay them attention. Vulnerability above all else, is the quality most prized in a victim. If you have one of these parasites in your life, you have probably attracted them because you are experiencing some of the following circumstances;

You are currently experiencing the break up of a relationship - you've broken up with your boyfriend, you are divorcing your partner or you have had one or more bereavements in the last few months. (This is important because you may suddenly have access to cash but feel uncomfortable about the money.)

A major change has taken place in your life - maybe your kids have left home, maybe you have left home. A significant other may have been diagnosed with a serious, life changing illness. What ever the change is, it has put you on your left foot and open to abuse.

Free loading friends don't start out that way, that would be too obvious. They embark on a new relationship by launching a charm offensive that would have the most cynical simpering with delight. They will seem popular, fun, caring and above all, they will appear to really like you, wanting nothing more than to be your friend. Some actually appear to be doing an awful lot more 'giving' than 'getting' at the start of the relationship but don't be fooled, they plan to be doing all the getting in the not too distant future. They're dastardly plan is simple. They want to worm their way into their victims life, until they call the shots and they intend to achieve this by undermining the victims already flagging confidence.

Your so called 'friend' has made themselves so indispensable that they are considered family.  They have pride of place at all social gatherings and whilst they have not moved in with you, spend an inordinate amount of time with you, getting closer and closer to you emotionally.  Now they are ready to begin grooming you for the final sting.

a) They make fun of you at every available opportunity.

b) They contradict you at every available opportunity.

c) They disagree with you at every available opportunity.

d) Belittle the work you do, whilst talking up what they do.

e) Increasingly, they take up your time, becoming belligerent if their every whim is not indulged.

f) When your out socially, complete strangers tell you how much they hate your friend and your friend just shrugs it off.

d) Their behaviour becomes so outlandish that other friends make excuses not to meet you socially whilst your toxic chum is about. Meanwhile, your 'friend' will start a whispering campaign against anyone else close to you. At this point, it is common for them to engineer arguments between you and others and indulge in a 'bitchfest' of personal critical remarks. Keeping company with someone like this will alter your personality. It is impossible to have a toxic relationship without being poisoned. Eventually, you will become socially isolated.

e) Once isolated, you are encouraged to consult your 'friend' over every decision you make, until without realising it, your 'friend' has complete control over your life, creating a dependency which they will then go on to exploit by threatening to withdraw their friendship if you do not comply with their wishes.

This is when your 'friend' will really start to milk you.

Does your friend often forget her purse? Run out of money when your out together? Plead poverty but wistfully tell you how much they would like to go out with you? If the answer to these questions is 'yes' then rest assured, there is worse to come. What they are working their way up to is extorting vast sums of cash. Usually this is done by making their victim feel highly involved in their lives. Sometimes this is through a lot of contact with your friends children or perhaps by constantly discussing the free-loader's job etc. Then comes the killer blow; they are desperate for money and if they don't get it from you, they will lose their job / lose their house / have the utilities cut off. The victim will feel obliged to stump up. Plus this request for cash will be timed to coincide with some major even such as a bereavement so that the judgement of the victim will be impaired. They have spent ages getting to know you in order to exploit you and will know exactly when to strike. Once the money is in their hot little hands, their work is done and off they go into the sunset with your dosh, leaving you with the realisation that you have been duped, except you are likely to be in self denial for quite sometime.

It's a simple rule but effective.  Not giving friends money will ensure that the toxic will move on and foist their attentions on someone more gullible.  If someone asks you for money, alarm bells should be ringing loudly in your ears.  If however, you really feel they are genuinely in need of help, then there is only one thing to do.  Make it an official loan.  Have a written contract drawn up (at their expense) with a clear timetable of repayments, ensuring that the money is a loan not a gift. Remember, someone who can't get a loan from more traditional sources, is a bad financial risk.  When they don't pay the loan back or start missing payments or decide they no longer wish to be your friend and refuse to continue paying, go to the small claims court immediately.  They are relying on the fact that you will be so upset by the betrayal, that you will not pursue the matter.  Nail them.  Given the opportunity, they will weasel their way out of repayments and be downright hostile towards you so don't bother trying to be loyal to them.

Bin them!  You need a friend like this, like a hole in the head.  Listen to your other friends, they will have spotted the free loader, long before you.  If you have already been taken in by this loathsome creature, don't beat yourself up about it.  Your worth a thousand of her.  Try to get the money back but above all, be yourself.  Don't let her take your generous nature as well as your money.